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 Post subject: As the Raven..
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 6:13 pm 
White Raven
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Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:58 pm
Posts: 506
Personally, I liked a lot of what Ste wrote in As the Raven Dies and so I've been keeping an eye out for more of his work; and here we have it with three more installments: As the Raven Breaths, As the Raven Strikes, and As the Raven Burns.

Ste wrote:
I couldn't see, i couldn't feel, i could only listen.

When i awoke after the battle i was different. My body was broken but i still had strength and my faith burned passionatly throughout my veins. I opened my eyes but my vision was different. I could see more than before. I turned around and an unnerving cranking of gears make me shudder, i looked down to see myself in a mighty adamantium sarcophagus.

"I am truly blessed by the emperor, to be given the ability to continue fighting againt his enemies" I said under my breath.

Chaplain Cornelius walked up to me and stood at my feet, as he looked up at me he smiled and began chanting a prayer. I looked up and down his armour to make sure that my vision was perfect. His armour was adorned with symbols of death, the black power armour was clean and there was a shadowy aura lingering around his body. The aquila on his chest was gleaming white and the lines were perfectly defined on its wings, there was a minor differentiation in his armour though, his left shoulderpad was riddled with holes ranging from about an inch wide to three inches. He finished his prayer and then tapped me on the arm, the metal ring from the tap would become a common sound that i would have to get used to. It was eerie though that i was no longer flesh and blood but a crippled corpse sustained by the power of the adeptus mechanicus.

I had noticed that my sarcophagus was adorned with imagery depicting my previous victories as the assault Captain of the 3rd Company. They were all engraved with a high power laser that left a white stain, my armourments were simple and suited me perfectly, a set of dual power weapons, on each fist was a gripping claw of 4 powerblades and in the centre of one rested a melta-gun & the other my prized blade Enigmus. I walked over to the armoury doors and stepped outside onto the cracked floor of Deliverance.

The next few days mainly consisted of me getting back into my routine of prayer and also getting used to my new leviathan body. I was soon after departed on a Campaign to the Barren Death world Al'Khator it was the second moon of Al'Trax Prime in the Hydra Nebula system. The campaign was set out to purge the Xeno species of Tau from there footholding on the desert world. From the data i had been given i analysed the surroundings of the drop zone as it was going to be a Hot Drop. The ground was solid and there was a constant light dust storm writhing across the plains. I stood on the lift into the StarJumper 'Ravens Justice' and waited for the time to come.....

The Raven Breaths once more was a phrase muttered throughout the ship as i stood before my Battle Brothers once more....



Ste wrote:
The rattling of the starship was causing dissarray as we penetrated the asteroid field surrounding Al'Khator. The planets atmosphere was masked with a musky blanket, it was a deep red similar to that of the royal garbs worn by some of the Imperial Senators. There were several heavy flashes from the planets surface that pushed up against the glass of the hull windows, the frost that was gathering around the windows was began to melt away as the Raven's Justice penetrated the Atmosphere. The roaring engines gave a warm hearth to me and my men readying us for battle. I looked around and looked at my Battle-Brothers, they were clad in there black power armour it was cleaned perfectly and there wasn't a hint of battle damage even on the veterans. They wore ancient suits of artificer, it was adorned with the honoured scriptures and teaching of the mighty primarch Corax and there were symbols of life and death lining there weapons. My adamantium Armour had been upgraded for this mission in particular, the Melta-gun had been replaced with a master crafted Heavy flamer, there was a unique pattern flowing across the barrell and the promethium tank was doubled up to give a stronger burst of flame than the standard heavy flamer.

"READY BROTHERS! THE FIGHT IS UPON US!" i Roared as Raven's Justice plummeted towards the surface of Al'Khator, the dust plumed around the ship as it lowered itself lower enough for us to disengage. i looked at my brothers and they pulled there bolters from tehre side and held there bolters with stern faith and there Blades with the wrath of the emperor. I breathed in and stepped off the platform and as the wrest of the company dropped down i felt the euphoria of battle rushing through me. The sheer weight of my new body was pulling me down two or even three times faster than the others. I hit the ground with a terrifying crash, a small tremor rippled through teh ground. Then hole squads at a time screaming there battle cries plummeted to the ground around me, the floor screamed with an overload of weight and then as we readied ourselves a huge pulse of energy pierced the side of hull of Raven's Justice and then an explosion erupted out of the engine and an inferno of promethium rained down across the barren desert.

"GET DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Captain Darrius and as he preached his words of wisdom a flaming piece of shrapnel hammered down and sliced straight through his chest, his blood sprayed into the air and the essence of life was spitting down on us all. The rest if the cmpany bunkered down and once the flame had stopped we all looked around to see what had happened to RJ. The ship was still in orbit but it was slowly falling down to the planet's surface with a trail of molten debris flinging itself from the spine of the cruiser; it dissappeared over the horizon and then another beam of crystal blue energy fluxed over the top of the company.

"Bunker up men, we will hold this position until dusk then we will strike there position!" I screamed over the bustle of soldiers. The men all lined up into squads and saluted then they began construction of minor defences. I scanned the horizon for movement and then consulted my digital map for the layout of the local area. There was a nearby insitute of buildings cramped in a small complex, the enemies would certainly be gathered here. Upon the fall of darkness the raven would strike when its foe at there weakest......



Ste wrote:
The battle field was settling and the dust devils were coming to a halt, the constant sky lights of plasma had stopped aswell. Myself and the company with me had finished making the defences and the moon was brimming over the horizon. The sun was darkening and it was slowly falling, once darkness hit we would strike; The 1st Shadow Company was a time bomb, waiting and watching.
I looked around my monstrous adamantium body and looked at my men readying themselves for night fall. There foxholes made strong and a wall of sandbags dropped off with us was now praying towards the enemy for fire. I was relieved to have one less thing to worry about because the squads were loading there bolters for an assault and several of the squads were cleaning the piping on there flamers. This was going to be a good night.

I was checked out by the mysterious Techmarine Angelus, his servo harness clambering over his artificer covered body like an unwilling spider, he loaded up a storm bolter on my other arm, I was truly ready to slay the enemies of the emperor with my Right fist I would punish the Xeno’s and with my Left I would burn away there sins. He looked up at me and told me everything was fine, the lowly crimson glow in his eyes gave me a strange sense of re-assurance and then he called up his servitors to fit something else onto my sarcophagus. The servitors skinned warped and there mechanical bodies were menacingly efficient. They lumbered themselves over to Angelus and with them they carried a large metal crate. The mechanical arms from Angelus’ Servo harness reached over with perfect accuracy and opened the khaki crate. I gazed down and saw two high power propulsion engines.

”These are a gift from the chapter master, do not worry captain they will not fail with the work of my steady hand and my servitors” Said Angelus in a low musky voice. As he said those words himself and the servitors set to work on upgrading my slow moving dreadnought body into a high powered assault machine. I felt a feeling I had not felt for a long time. Fear. This was not because the assault was imminent I was a veteran of a thousand battles but it was because something else was at heart here. A small Tau outpost could not be a threat to the emperor a darker force was at work on this planet.

”Ready brothers the sun is darkening and our strike is near on my word we move upto the outpost quickly and quietly, Once we reach the walls follow my actions and we will destroy the Xenos scum within” I said to the stern warriors of the 1st Shadow Company.

The sun fell and the men organised themselves with haste and began the assault, we moved up with the complete element of stealth our shadow black armour camouflaging us against the night and the faint red glow from the tactical marines helmets could only instil fear within the enemy. The sand was absorbing the shock and sound of our footsteps as we ran and the wind covering our voices.

We Reached the bullet riddled walls of the Compound and the dust devil had ripped itself up again. This was good, the noise was a soothing stealth for us all. I checked my data map and surveyed the compound with digital imaging.

”Scout 200m north-west captain” Whispered the scout to my right. I turned and looked u pat the Tau Pathfinder, he noticed us and just as he went to sound the alarm a silenced bolter shell pierced his skull and upon impact his head shattered and a firework display of blood and flesh hailed down on the outpost roof.

”On my mark we go.. Got it? Im going to break through the wall and then you follow” I said.

The canon of the bolter slides being pulled back gave me a rush of euphoria and as the adrenaline pumped through my veins I pulled back my fist and ripped down the wall charging into the Resting fire warriors barracks, I pulled up my flamer arm and sent out huge jets of Flaming promethium billowing into the room, the screams of melting Xenos was horrifying yet soothing. I turned in a 90 degree angle on the pivot and burned everything from left to right. I repeated the flaming 2 or 3 times. Once the crackling flesh had stopped and nothing in the room came up on the auspex I moved forward through the barracks. The marines followed closely behind me with a faith that could knock back even the most daring warrior. The scout squad pushed against the wall next to the door and the pulled it open and then a volley of plasma bursts screamed out of the door and pierced the thick power armour of several marines, there bodies falling to the ground with an almost dance like motion, they twirled as the energy impacted with them and a line of blood spewed out of there wound. I Readied my storm bolter and Began hailing bolter rounds through the door and walls. The scouts moved back to hold the line with the shadow company and then I moved upto the smoking wall, the cracks and craters made the wall into a pathetic piece of cover. Two Devastators moved up with Heavy bolters and cocked them ready for action.

We moved forward and I ripped the wall open, 7 or 8 marines with flamers moved up in front of me, the constant barrage of the metal boots slamming on the floor gave me a sort of momentary shell shock. Clank Clank Clank. I shook it off though and continued over the floor, every time I stepped a huge indentation broke the ceramic tiles. My trail of destruction was larger now than before a room melted from heavy promethium and the floor scarred with the gargantuan footsteps of my feet. Another set of screams came from a room 50m ahead of me as the marines let loose a daemon of flame into it, the pillowing inferno raged throughout the complex and then silence. The spurs of flame stopped and the sound of pain and agony fell silent with it.

We moved outside into the court yard and looked up onto the roof, the Aerial Denial Node that struck the cruiser was cold and desolate, no one to operate it was left. I sent a small scout squad up to plant demolition charges but as I did so 5 Xv88 battle suits fell, this was my first time fighting these graceful machines as a dreadnought.

”Its time” I said to myself quietly.

I pulsed forward at unimaginable speeds with my new jet propulsion system and as I rammed into the first battle suits my fist tore straight through its chest and killed the fire warrior within, a gooey mess was al that was left of him now. His blood dripping down each individual blade on my fist. Then I turned to my left to a beating from a plasma rifle, its searing heat made me sweat even within this eternal tomb. Several tactical squads were now set on calling for back up and also destroy the A.D.N. The spinning cyclone of plasma bursts rippled out of the burst cannons and cut away 3 marines, unlike before they fell with a heavy weight and the blood sprayed out similar to the slaughter of an animal. I grasped another battle suit on my claws and I lifted him of the ground the electric currents running around the battle suit were electrocuting the Xeno within, I laughed and then twisted my fist and it was followed by a pillar of promethium burning straight through his body. I threw his limb body aside and then took several more blows from the plasma and burst cannon fire. “ down 3 more to go.

”There set sir!!!” Roared the scout sergeant as he and his squad jumped from the roof. An unnerving explosion shook the floor and the Tau became dazed only for a second but that was enough for my men to take the emperors judgment upon them, streams of precise bolters fire blew away the armour from the battle suits and two more were felled. Then a Single krak missile whistled past me and struck the Shas’O in the chest and with a mighty eruption he fell backwards, victory was that of the 1st Shadow Company. I looked at the A.D.N it was now nothing more than a pile of molten slag.

”what’s our next orders sir?” I sent over the radio.

”You are to move into the nearby city of Darak’Lohck and remove the enemy!” Called back the commander.

I looked down at my arm and noticed the flame was still burning brightly. With the flames of hell blowing out of our flamers day became night and the darkness became sanctuary. The Raven will Burn again after tonight!


So, what do the rest of you think of these next three installments in the captains story?

_________________
Once upon a time, Americans were terrorists to the British; so quick are we to forget our own past and label others.


Better to be an open sinner than a false saint
Its better to die on your feet than live on your knees
People who lack the strength to be themselves are always trying to tear down those who do

"The difference between gods and daemons largely depends upon where one is standing at the time."- Lorgar
Victorus aut Mortis


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 6:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:43 pm
Posts: 1900
Location: An Englishman in Dallas TX
I really enjoyed it and like the guys stuff. Some interesting ideas with a jet propelled dreadnought - love it! Theres a conversion idea :)

So does he have an interest in RG and visit us here at all? If not then what made him choose RG?

Again, very well written.

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We can all play theory hammer all day, but your list is only as good as the players you beat.

What do you believe?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:15 pm 
White Raven
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Posts: 506
Ste does play Raven Guard and if he is a member here, then he has been very humble about not coming forward when I put his first short story up; so my guess is he is not a member. (Though I will make sure to send him a PM about us.)

Ste wrote:
Short story guys about the Raven Guard, i collect them and thought it would be more interesting if my army were to lose a battle in the story rather than killing everythign and standing around without a wound

This is what Ste said just before As the Raven Dies, and might give a little insight as to why he chose the Raven Guard.

_________________
Once upon a time, Americans were terrorists to the British; so quick are we to forget our own past and label others.


Better to be an open sinner than a false saint
Its better to die on your feet than live on your knees
People who lack the strength to be themselves are always trying to tear down those who do

"The difference between gods and daemons largely depends upon where one is standing at the time."- Lorgar
Victorus aut Mortis


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:25 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:43 pm
Posts: 1900
Location: An Englishman in Dallas TX
White Raven Darkreever wrote:
Ste does play Raven Guard and if he is a member here, then he has been very humble about not coming forward when I put his first short story up; so my guess is he is not a member. (Though I will make sure to send him a PM about us.)

Ste wrote:
Short story guys about the Raven Guard, i collect them and thought it would be more interesting if my army were to lose a battle in the story rather than killing everythign and standing around without a wound

This is what Ste said just before As the Raven Dies, and might give a little insight as to why he chose the Raven Guard.


I totally agree with him! It does make a big difference, and the follow ups are great. I am kinda bored with 'movie marines' which was why the HH book Abyss really stank for me, just so predictable. Ste has taken a path rarely trod and has done a fine job. Really hope he joins us here at SoC, specially as he already collects RG.

_________________
We can all play theory hammer all day, but your list is only as good as the players you beat.

What do you believe?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:36 pm 
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Its me ste :D Just signed up i am really really happy you guys like my work :) am only 17 :D im on the verge of choosing my degree so its hopefully going to be in creative writing joint wiht business which has nothing to do with it so, you guys like them ? ? ? ? ? ? ? :D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:55 pm 
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Posts: 1900
Location: An Englishman in Dallas TX
Ste wrote:
Its me ste :D Just signed up i am really really happy you guys like my work :) am only 17 :D im on the verge of choosing my degree so its hopefully going to be in creative writing joint wiht business which has nothing to do with it so, you guys like them ? ? ? ? ? ? ? :D


Ste! :)

Yeah, I really like your work and shocked that your just 17! Check out the rest of the librarian, ther are a few great writters hanging around here :) In fact if you like Raven Guard you will find tons of interesting stuff around here.

I think you have great writting talent, keep it up! RG don't get a lot of love from the black library but we just write our own stuff.

So what made you choose the first person perspective of the piece and what's in store for the future?

Good to have you with us, enjoy your stay?

_________________
We can all play theory hammer all day, but your list is only as good as the players you beat.

What do you believe?


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:50 pm 
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I find it easier to write thing in a 1st person view its much better in my oppinion than having a narrator then bob did this then bo went here, i like the hole i continued on and u can really get inside the character in teh 1st person perspective. And yes theres going to be one or MAYBE 2 more in the Raven Chronicles :) Then im planning on tidying them up and seeing what Games Workshop think to be honest? what you think?


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 3:18 am 
White Raven
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I really like it ste. Your style of writing is vivid and exciting. The biggest thing i would have to say - and i can't stress this enough - is the correct use of they're, their, and there. It really throws me off on some of the sentences, and i have to read them over again. I'm no English major, but it definitely makes a big difference. Also, if you want to send it into games-workshop and get this stuff published for a general audience, i would be glad to help with some of the scientific and medical aspects of the story, just little things - like weight doesn't actually make a difference in your terminal falling velocity. Most science fiction writers have a pretty solid grasp of that kind of thing - and you will too with time.


overall

i love the 1st person writing style and how the story is taking shape. The fact that the captain is now a dreadnought is just AWESOME. I love it. Absolutely love it. You have a lot of raw talent, and are able to convey an original story in words as though it was in video. It keeps a high tempo, is engaging and exciting. Its definitely a style of its own. I look forward to seeing you hone your skills.


Good work ste!

Glad to have you with us.

_________________
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 6:11 am 
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ty, ermm sure? if you could go over it if you had the time? and change what you thought was a bit ''unrealistic'' about it then that would be fine/brilliant? :) and although im an A grade english student in college i still froget the their,there & they're also i think alot of the time it just slips my mind because im in the jist of things if you no what i mean :)


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 11:38 am 
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Ste wrote:
ty, ermm sure? if you could go over it if you had the time? and change what you thought was a bit ''unrealistic'' about it then that would be fine/brilliant? :) and although im an A grade english student in college i still froget the their,there & they're also i think alot of the time it just slips my mind because im in the jist of things if you no what i mean :)


It's easy to forget in the midst of the creative flow! The best bet is to spell check, and then common sense check (as the spell checker misses words that are spelt correctly but in the wrong place..grrr.) Then get it checked by some one else, as a designer my proof reader becomes my best friend :)

Also, if there is stuff you don't know about then just research/google or ask. Physics, biology, technology, they can all play a subtle part and there is always someone out there that will see it's not right.

You have great talent and should definatley send it to GW. Just polish a lil. I think you've got a great career ahead.

_________________
We can all play theory hammer all day, but your list is only as good as the players you beat.

What do you believe?


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 1:13 pm 
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thank you very much Levitas :) nice to no people are happy with the things i do really :D but im going to write probably one more or two short ones :P


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 Post subject: Re: As the Raven..
PostPosted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:01 am 
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awesome stuff Ste. Keep it up


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