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Far, far, far away... On one of the many worlds in the Imperium where Eldar, Imperial Guard and the Tau have met...

After the negotiations Tau negotiator, Eldar Warlock and Cadian Captain meed in the latrine... Tau negotiator finished first and started to wash his hand in the sink. After finishing he speaks aloud so the other two would hear him.

"I am of the water caste so i used many drops of water to wash myself as it is my element and my right."

The next one was the Warlock. He felt that the young races need some rebuke.

"I used only a few drops of water for we the Eldar are the elves of the forty first millenium. We love the forces of nature and as such we take only what we need. And nothing more."

The last one was the Imperial Guard Captain. But he didn't wash his hands at all and just got past the two other.

Eldar Warloc demanded an explenation.

"I hadn't used any water at all. This is due to the fact that when i was young my father thought me not to piss on my hands."

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A team of five Space Marines had a task to destroy an Ork stronghold with a torpedo warhead. There was a road to that stronghold and they were ordered to move by it to save time. So the Marines are walking down the road carring the warhead... surrounded by Orks. And the Orks are shoothing with everything they have... And the Marines are pretty cool. One of them is singing. Other two are arguing about who is the better warrior. The fourth one is reading his "Play Sororits" issue. The last one tries to grasp a better understanding about his duty to the Emperor. But of course slugas and shootas can't score even a glancing hit against Astartes Power Armour due to the Orks BS.

Time passes by...

And than a stry bullet ricchetes of the sergeants armoured boot.

"Take cover!" - He shouts going to ground with his squad. And than he contacts his peers via radio. - "Crusade command! Enemy sniper is pinning us down. Requesting asistance."

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A lone Guardsmen survives Chaos attack. Just before killing him Chaos Champion from the Alfa Legion laughs at him.

"You are miserable. You stink of fear. Your armour is made of cardboard and your weapon won't even blind me!"

"But there is one thing that i can do and you cannot." - Answered the Guardsman.

"Oh... And waht might that be?"

The Trooper took a cigarete from his pocket and than lighted it with his lusgun.

"Now you try and don't blow your head of." - Laughed the Guardsman.

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6th Mordian regiment and 33rd Valhallan were on an excersise manuveres. Valhallan commander asked the Mordian officer.

"Why do you wear red uniforms? With these you can be spotted from affar. Green would suit you better. Thats why our uniforms are white - so we don't get spotted on the snow."

"You're right. But it has a purpouse. Fresh blood is harder to spot on a red uniform. So when our men are wounded the others won't notice it and will keep figting."

Starting from the following day Valhallan regiments started changing their white throusers for brown ones.

It's the best one i know about WH40K. Thats why i've posted it first - first remebered -> first posted.

It's a pitty that most of jokes about that universum are WWII and cold-war jokes about Red Army troopers where "Russian" is changed to "Valhallan".

I think that we should think about new ones.

Why dose Corax respect the Impirial Guard?

There the only army who have enough flash lights to find him in a game of hide and go seak.

The Classic 40k Joke

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"OK."

There are some 'jokes' that should not be shared


I've got a tastey long list of one-liners that make up the book of space marine commandments.

Examples of such -

Thou shalt not teleport into the Adeptus Sororitas shower block.
Thou shalt not refer to Marneus Calgar as 'Poppa-Smirf'.
Thou shalt not refer to the machine spirit as 'Cruise Control'.
Thou shalt not throw a ball to a brother Space Wolf and ask him to 'fetch'.
Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
Thou shalt not use the Chapter Chaplain's bike to deliver pizza.


I've got about 200 of em, ask and i'll post the lot =)

CR

so long as they meet the forum rules, id love to see all of them though, to be sure, you should break them up into a series of posts, to make it abit easier to read and keep track of.

Funny stuff Been a while since this was open so good to see some new funnies!

But yeah, keep em clean or Ensis gets mean

A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.

"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"

Will check them for....purity, then post them in a bit.
To keep you all entertained in the mean time, here are a few other jokes i've heard at my local club/GW store.


101 Uses for a Lasgun…
Warming soup
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics
Cigarette lighter
Changing T.V channels
Selling to get funds for a better weapon
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight
Skeet shooting
A cooking utensil
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants
(the list is actually endless!)

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Three commanders are arguing who has the braves troops while stood in a hanger on a battle-barge. Commander Dante of the Blood Angels Space Marines chapter, Ursarkar Creed of the Cadian 8th Imperial Guard regiment and a Helena the Virtuous, Adepta Sororitas Canoness. Helena orders one of her battle sisters to jump out the air lock and she dose without hesitation. Dante orders one of his troops to follow the Battle Sister. The Blood Angle roars and runs out the air lock screaming. Ursarkar Creed orders one of his own to follow suite. The trooper replies, "SIR, NO SIR!" Creed turns to the others and says, "Now THAT is courage”, then readies his laspistol.

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What is the difference between a Bolter and a Lasgun?
Bolters need safety catches...

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An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They come across a chaos portal with a sign by its side that reads "Say what is true or be sucked into the warp". The Space Marine says "I think I’m the bravest here" and walks past safely. The Eldar says "I think I’m the most agile here" and walks past safely. The Ork says "Me thinks..." and gets sucked into the warp.

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How many space marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw light bulbs, and one to deny the existence of light bulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 550 watts and costs $187.


/end

I found this on relic forum most of these are good

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"

"CHARGE!!!""

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"

"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.

"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""

"Extermina-what?"

"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*
BANG!!!

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"

"Genestealers?"

"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"

Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to initiate Operation Human Shield!

"Alright men, were goin ta war... I wont lie to yah, I'll be hidin with mah heavy weapons teams and the tanks... but i did get you these; pre written "Don't Worry I'm going to war letters," flash lights, under powered laser rifle, Diapers, and me and the commissars took the liberty of impregnating each of your wives an girlfriends so we could leave quicker."

"Abbaddon is coming this way, but don't worry, the commissar and the colonel both said not to worry as the might of the Emperor stood with us and they would pick up some extra donuts at the shop when they get back."

"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."

"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."

"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."

"What do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?"

"Did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks...."

"Make an armour save?"

"Nightfight and no searchlights modeled?"

"Your unit has 2 flamers in it?"

"Take and hold?"

"Auspex? What are the chances he has lictors..."

"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"

Commissar: "Welcome to your new warzone....you can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"

"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."

"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it is.....so why are they using it?"

"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"

Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"

"Ten hut, men i have two comments. One I am being promoted so i will nolonger command you past today in two hours. Two your being shipped out to The Eye in one hour and forty five minutes"

"hmm tyranids seem weak we dont even need our guns grab your nives boys!"

(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

(From Chimera Driver)
"Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

"Cmon guys, that big thing over there with claws is NOTHING, we can take him!!"

"were in a hellhound? sounds cool..."

*sees a Wraithlord for the first time and grabs combat knife* "You think you're tough!?"

Here are some of the 40k humour pics i've collected:

Don't encourage me, lmao.